Sparkling

unreturned call

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Making Sense of Why the Guy You Love Chose Another Girl

When the Guy I’ve loved chooses to be with another girl,

Naturally I’m searching for answers to make sense of it all.

What’s the best way to search for answers?

GOOGLE.

I googled combinations of “Why the guy chose another girl”
“Why did he disappear?”

“Why did he walked away?”

I read through 80, yes eighty, pages of search results needing to find the answers among blogs, magazine tips, news paper articles.

I needed comfort, I needed answers.

Why did he choose her? Why did he get disinterested in me?
Why didn’t he appreciate my genuine feelings for him?
Why didn’t he value me?
Why didn’t he recognize all the things we had in common?

Why, why, why, why, why, WHY????

Why her and not me?
WHY???
Why, why, why, why, WHY?

Here are a couple of things I learned from reading over 80 pages of search results and a few hundred links. These rang true to me.
I know this makes sense and I need to knock this into my sense.

1. Obsessing is about looking for reasons to blame yourself and trying to reason out things that there aren’t necessarily answers for.

The fact that you’re asking Why he doesn’t want to be with you or Why he chose her says you still want him very badly even though he’s clearly expressed he doesn’t see the value in you or being with you.

Yes, it hurts. Ouch. OUCH.

We all know that continuing to ask why yields no answers.
Continuing to ask WHY just does more emotional damage to yourself because you keep putting him and those Why questions on replay.

You’re obsessing about him. You’re clinging on to the last shred of him when he’s walked away and is enjoying life on a beach with the girlfriend while you’re crying your eyes out and losing weight because you can’t eat. You want to continually mourn him, you don’t want to move on.
Often when we ask these questions, they are with regard to men who probably aren’t worthy of our time.

2. You are Wonderful. Him choosing some girl is about him, not You (or me).

It does not say anything about you or imply that you are not good enough.
He just wanted something else.
Do not take it as a judgment on yourself.

There is nothing wrong with you other than your misinterpretation of the facts.

You’re Pink and he preferred Green. Pink is not better than Green.
Pink is just different from Green. That’s simply it.

If the one you love doesn’t want you, and by implication doesn’t value you, this is your wake-up call, albeit a painful one. You don’t want him or her either. You don’t want to invest any more time or thought or energy in this person.

When you love and admire someone so much, it may seem impossible to let go of.
But you must want to let go (instead of cling on to his memory) and you will move on
If you consciously choose to change your focus.

3. Stop Blaming Yourself

When I first heard the news that he’d gotten into a relationship, I started to look back at all the things I did wrong.

I cried miserably in the shower convinced I, myself, had singlehandedly ruined a long await chance at a relationship and being happy with someone who had so much in common.

I replayed the things I screwed up: Why didn’t I move in closer when we were walking by the river?
I should have made it clearer I liked him.
I shouldn’t have been so cautious about liking him. (well, look how well loving him has worked out…)
I should have been more spontaneous about saying “Let’s do this on saturday!” instead of waiting for him to suggest it.
I should have worn few accessories, the piles of bangles which were all the rage was probably too much

The truth is this.

And often times, the truth hurts A LOT more than the generalized comforting phrases we use.

The Truth is if he liked me enough, appreciated and valued me, he would have stayed.
He wouldn’t have walked off and lost interest — no matter how many bangles I had on my arm.


4. I’ll won’t find someone so compatible and amazing as him…

When the feelings are not mutual between you and another, examine how you put yourself in this unequal place.

Do you think that you’ll never find anyone else? (Guilty for now, Yes. I think it’ll be decades before I meet someone with so much in common in interests and background. Sigh)

Do you fantasize that if only he or she would love you, you would be happy the rest of your life?
(Guilty, Yes I can see all the things we could enjoy doing together, walks in the parks, concerts, traveling the world. Ah, Sigh. If Only….)

You are longing for someone who seems to have more going for them than you do, perhaps you need to look at what you should be doing to have a better, more interesting, more fulfilling life.


It could be that the loss you feel is the life you wanted to have by vicariously living beside and through someone else.


The saddest part to these one-way love obsessions is how willing people are to accept so little in return. It isn’t the beloved who is treating you badly— YOU are doing yourself an injustice and hurting yourself more by hanging around and moping after someone who isn’t available and doesn’t care enough about you. 


“Having a crush on someone is like putting your heart in a Ziploc bag and checking it at the airport luggage counter. There is a chance it will make the trip and come out unscathed, but there is a much greater chance that it will be bruised in some way.


We can all take great comfort in knowing that everything passes. Since there are no exceptions-none–it means that if you are sad, you won’t always be sad. If you fail, you’ll bounce back. If someone hurt you, that feeling will change. If you lose a love, there will be another. Indeed, there is something very reassuring in knowing that, whatever it is, however hard it seems, it too will pass.”


Understand there is no rhyme or reason to why men disappear or lose interest. No matter how much you discuss the situation with your friends, trying to figure out where things went wrong, it will all be speculations and you won’t get the answer of why he acted the way he did. In fact, it might have to do more with him than you. Maybe he got spooked at the thought of your relationship progressing to a more serious level, or perhaps he wasn’t as interested in you as he lead on and didn’t want to admit it face to face. The truth is, you’ll never know for certain why a man acts the way he does unless you hear it from him…and he probably isn’t coming back to tell you.


which is completely true because I haven’t heard from him…


I went through hundreds of links over the weekend, my emotional state matching the most gravity defying roller coasters.


On Sunday night I was exhausted from all the reading, trying to make sense of it all, trying to find comfort.


Perhaps all these combined words of wisdom and reality did sink in a little.
As I was going to sleep on Sunday night, instead of crying myself to sleep, I felt this sense of strength that I would be alright and I could rid him out of my mind.
Right now, I can’t let him linger at all because I like him too much.
If I even let him hang around, I won’t be able to get on with my life.


I hope the pain I’m going through will relieve everyone else of unrequited love and heartache.

If you’re going through the same, I’m here to offer you my hugs and love.
Drop me a note , there’s nothing like knowing you’re not alone.


So as much as it hurts this is what I’m doing and what I suggest you do if you’re going through heartbreak.

1. Don’t contact him. At All.
2. Don’t go to places you know you might run into him. At this point I’m not over him yet and I’m not stable enough to run into him, much less run into him and his girlfriend. I’ve no idea if I’ll feel shattered again and have to re-start my recovery. I don’t know if I can put up a brave front and say hi and smile. At this point, I don’t have the strength to. So I don’t want to see him.
3. Accept the finality of his decision. He’s made a choice, he’s gone. Treat it as he’s out of your life.
4. Lean on friends and whenever you feel down or need company, call or go out with a good friend who will support you
5. Do things that interest you and make you happy.
Take a new class. If painting made you happy, go back and do that. If Yoga helps you relieve your stress do it. Look after yourself and make yourself Happy in a healthy way


With that, I hope this finds you all happy and healthy
Leave me a message to share your story, a huge or word or comfort.

Related stories and links I read as part of the 80 pages of search results:
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WHY didn’t you return my call?!?!? in 1,615 words… after the first date…

I wouldn’t be seriously involved with a woman if she didn’t like classical music.”

I see. It makes me raise my eyebrows. That’s a make or break criteria? REally?

I won’t say much and let you read and *enjoy* this spiel of affection… and awkwardness…
=) Tell me what you think … and we can have a conversation =)

Here goes:

Hi Lauren,

I’m disappointed in you. I’m disappointed that I haven’t gotten a response to my voicemail and text messages.
FYI, I suggest that you keep in mind that emails sound more impersonal, harsher, and are easier to misinterpret than in-person or phone communication. After all, people can’t see someone’s body language or tone of voice in an email. I’m not trying to be harsh, patronizing, or insulting in this email. I’m honest and direct by nature, and I’m going to be that way in this email. By the way, I did a google search, so that’s how I came across your email.

I assume that you no longer want to go out with me. (If you do want to go out with me, then you should let me know.) I suggest that you make a sincere apology to me for giving me mixed signals. I feel led on by you.

Things that happened during our date include, but are not limited to, the following:

-You played with your hair a lot. A woman playing with her hair is a common sign of flirtation. You can even do a google search on it. When a woman plays with her hair, she is preening. I’ve never had a date where a woman played with her hair as much as you did. In addition, it didn’t look like you were playing with your hair out of nervousness.

-We had lots of eye contact during our date. On a per-minute basis, I’ve never had as much eye contact during a date as I did with you.

-You said, “It was nice to meet you.” at the end of our date. A woman could say this statement as a way to show that she isn’t interested in seeing a man again or she could mean what she said–that it was nice to meet you. The statement, by itself, is inconclusive.

-We had a nice conversation over dinner. I don’t think I’m being delusional in saying this statement.

In my opinion, leading someone on (i.e., giving mixed signals) is impolite and immature. It’s bad to do that.
Normally, I would not be asking for information if a woman and I don’t go out again after a first date. However, in our case, I’m curious because I think our date went well and that there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship. Of course, it’s difficult to predict what would happen, but I think there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship developing between us one day (or least there was before your non-response to my voicemail and text messages).

I think we should go out on a second date. In my opinion, our first date was good enough to lead to a second date.
Why am I writing you? Well, hopefully, we will go out again. Even if we don’t, I gain utility from expressing my thoughts to you. In addition, even if you don’t want to go out again, I would like to get feedback as to why you wouldn’t want to go again. Normally, I wouldn’t ask a woman for this type of feedback after a first date, but this is an exception given I think we have a lot of potential.

If you don’t want to go again, then apparently you didn’t think our first date was good enough to lead to a second date. Dating or a relationship is not a Hollywood movie. It’s good to keep that in mind. In general, I thought the date went well and was expecting that we would go out on a second date.

If you’re not interested in going out again, then I would have preferred if you hadn’t given those mixed signals. I feel led on. We have a number of things in common. I’ll name a few things: First, we’ve both very intelligent. Second, we both like classical music so much that we go to classical music performances by ourselves. In fact, the number one interest that I would want to have in common with a woman with whom I’m in a relationship is a liking of classical music. I wouldn’t be seriously involved with a woman if she didn’t like classical music. You said that you’re planning to go the NY Philharmonic more often in the future.

As I said, I go to the NY Philharmonic often. You’re very busy. It would be very convenient for you to date me because we have the same interests. We already go to classical music performances by ourselves. If we go to classical music performances together, it wouldn’t take any significant additional time on your part. According to the internet, you’re 33 or 32, so, at least from my point of view, we’re a good match in terms of age. I could name more things that we have in common, but I’ll stop here. I don’t understand why you apparently don’t want to go out with me again. We have numerous things in common. I assume that you find me physically attractive. If you didn’t find me physically attractive, then it would have been irrational for you to go out with me in the first place. After all, our first date was not a blind date. You already knew what I looked like before our date. Perhaps, you’re unimpressed that I manage my family’s investments and my own investments. Perhaps, you don’t think I have a “real” job. Well, I’ve done very well as an investment manager. I’ve made my parents several millions of dollars.

That’s real money. That’s not monopoly money. In my opinion, if I make real money, it’s a real job. Donald Trump’s children work for his company. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. George Soros’s sons help manage their family investments. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. In addition, I’m both a right-brain and left-brain man, given that I’m both an investment manager and a philosopher/writer. That’s a unique characteristic; most people aren’t like that. I’ve never been as disappointed and sad about having difficulty about getting a second date as I am with you. I’ve gone out with a lot of women in my life. (FYI, I’m not a serial dater. Sometimes, I’ve only gone out with a woman for one date.) People don’t grow on trees. I hope you appreciate the potential we have.

Am I sensitive person? Sure, I am. I think it’s better to be sensitive than to be insensitive. There are too many impolite, insensitive people in the world.

I suggest that we continue to go out and see what happens. Needless to say, I find you less appealing now (given that you haven’t returned my messages) than I did at our first date. However, I would be willing to go out with you again. I’m open minded and flexible and am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. I wish you would give me the benefit of the doubt too. If you don’t want to go out again, in my opinion, you would be making a big mistake, perhaps one of the biggest mistakes in your life. If you don’t want to go out again, then you should have called to tell me so. Even sending a text message would have been better than nothing. In my opinion, not responding to my messages is impolite, immature, passive aggressive, and cowardly. I spent time, effort, and money meeting you for dinner. Getting back to me in response to my messages would have been a reasonable thing for you to do. In addition, you arrived about 30 minutes late for our date. I’m sure you wouldn’t like it if a man showed up thirty minutes late for a first date with you.

If you’re concerned that you will hurt my feelings by providing specific information about why you don’t want to go with me again, well, my feeling are already hurt. I’m sad and disappointed about this situation. If you give information, at least I can understand the situation better. I might even learn something that is beneficial.

If you don’t want to go out again, that I request that you call me and make a sincere apology for leading me on (i.e., giving me mixed signals). In my opinion, you shouldn’t act that way toward a man and then not go out with him again. It’s bad to play with your hair so much and make so much eye contact if you’re not interested in going out with me again. I have tried to write this email well, but it’s not perfect. Again, I’m not trying to be harsh, insulting, patronizing, etc. I’m disappointed, sad, etc. I would like to talk to you on the phone. I hope you will call me back at xxx-xxx-xxxx> (if it’s inconvenient for you to talk on the phone when you read this email, you can let me know via email that you are willing to talk on the phone and I’ll call you). If you get my voicemail, you can a leave a message and I can call you back. Even if you don’t want to go out again, I would appreciate it if you give me the courtesy of calling me and talking to me. Yes, you might say things that hurt me, but my feelings are already hurt. Sending me an email response (instead of talking on the phone) would better than no response at all, but I think it would be better to talk on the phone. Email communication has too much potential for misinterpretation, etc.

Best, Mike

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/07/investment-manager-embarrassing-email_n_1135279.html

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