When the Guy I’ve loved chooses to be with another girl,
Naturally I’m searching for answers to make sense of it all.
What’s the best way to search for answers?
I googled combinations of “Why the guy chose another girl”
“Why did he disappear?”
“Why did he walked away?”
I read through 80, yes eighty, pages of search results needing to find the answers among blogs, magazine tips, news paper articles.
I needed comfort, I needed answers.
Why did he choose her? Why did he get disinterested in me?
Why didn’t he appreciate my genuine feelings for him?
Why didn’t he value me?
Why didn’t he recognize all the things we had in common?
Why, why, why, why, why, WHY????
Why her and not me?
Why, why, why, why, WHY?
Here are a couple of things I learned from reading over 80 pages of search results and a few hundred links. These rang true to me.
I know this makes sense and I need to knock this into my sense.
1. Obsessing is about looking for reasons to blame yourself and trying to reason out things that there aren’t necessarily answers for.
The fact that you’re asking Why he doesn’t want to be with you or Why he chose her says you still want him very badly even though he’s clearly expressed he doesn’t see the value in you or being with you.
Yes, it hurts. Ouch. OUCH.
We all know that continuing to ask why yields no answers.
Continuing to ask WHY just does more emotional damage to yourself because you keep putting him and those Why questions on replay.
You’re obsessing about him. You’re clinging on to the last shred of him when he’s walked away and is enjoying life on a beach with the girlfriend while you’re crying your eyes out and losing weight because you can’t eat. You want to continually mourn him, you don’t want to move on.
Often when we ask these questions, they are with regard to men who probably aren’t worthy of our time.
2. You are Wonderful. Him choosing some girl is about him, not You (or me).
It does not say anything about you or imply that you are not good enough.
He just wanted something else.
Do not take it as a judgment on yourself.
There is nothing wrong with you other than your misinterpretation of the facts.
You’re Pink and he preferred Green. Pink is not better than Green.
Pink is just different from Green. That’s simply it.
If the one you love doesn’t want you, and by implication doesn’t value you, this is your wake-up call, albeit a painful one. You don’t want him or her either. You don’t want to invest any more time or thought or energy in this person.
When you love and admire someone so much, it may seem impossible to let go of.
But you must want to let go (instead of cling on to his memory) and you will move on
If you consciously choose to change your focus.
3. Stop Blaming Yourself
When I first heard the news that he’d gotten into a relationship, I started to look back at all the things I did wrong.
I cried miserably in the shower convinced I, myself, had singlehandedly ruined a long await chance at a relationship and being happy with someone who had so much in common.
I replayed the things I screwed up: Why didn’t I move in closer when we were walking by the river?
I should have made it clearer I liked him.
I shouldn’t have been so cautious about liking him. (well, look how well loving him has worked out…)
I should have been more spontaneous about saying “Let’s do this on saturday!” instead of waiting for him to suggest it.
I should have worn few accessories, the piles of bangles which were all the rage was probably too much
The truth is this.
And often times, the truth hurts A LOT more than the generalized comforting phrases we use.
The Truth is if he liked me enough, appreciated and valued me, he would have stayed.
He wouldn’t have walked off and lost interest — no matter how many bangles I had on my arm.
4. I’ll won’t find someone so compatible and amazing as him…
When the feelings are not mutual between you and another, examine how you put yourself in this unequal place.
Do you think that you’ll never find anyone else? (Guilty for now, Yes. I think it’ll be decades before I meet someone with so much in common in interests and background. Sigh)
Do you fantasize that if only he or she would love you, you would be happy the rest of your life?
(Guilty, Yes I can see all the things we could enjoy doing together, walks in the parks, concerts, traveling the world. Ah, Sigh. If Only….)
You are longing for someone who seems to have more going for them than you do, perhaps you need to look at what you should be doing to have a better, more interesting, more fulfilling life.
It could be that the loss you feel is the life you wanted to have by vicariously living beside and through someone else.
The saddest part to these one-way love obsessions is how willing people are to accept so little in return. It isn’t the beloved who is treating you badly— YOU are doing yourself an injustice and hurting yourself more by hanging around and moping after someone who isn’t available and doesn’t care enough about you.
“Having a crush on someone is like putting your heart in a Ziploc bag and checking it at the airport luggage counter. There is a chance it will make the trip and come out unscathed, but there is a much greater chance that it will be bruised in some way.
We can all take great comfort in knowing that everything passes. Since there are no exceptions-none–it means that if you are sad, you won’t always be sad. If you fail, you’ll bounce back. If someone hurt you, that feeling will change. If you lose a love, there will be another. Indeed, there is something very reassuring in knowing that, whatever it is, however hard it seems, it too will pass.”
Understand there is no rhyme or reason to why men disappear or lose interest. No matter how much you discuss the situation with your friends, trying to figure out where things went wrong, it will all be speculations and you won’t get the answer of why he acted the way he did. In fact, it might have to do more with him than you. Maybe he got spooked at the thought of your relationship progressing to a more serious level, or perhaps he wasn’t as interested in you as he lead on and didn’t want to admit it face to face. The truth is, you’ll never know for certain why a man acts the way he does unless you hear it from him…and he probably isn’t coming back to tell you.
which is completely true because I haven’t heard from him…
I went through hundreds of links over the weekend, my emotional state matching the most gravity defying roller coasters.
On Sunday night I was exhausted from all the reading, trying to make sense of it all, trying to find comfort.
Perhaps all these combined words of wisdom and reality did sink in a little.
As I was going to sleep on Sunday night, instead of crying myself to sleep, I felt this sense of strength that I would be alright and I could rid him out of my mind.
Right now, I can’t let him linger at all because I like him too much.
If I even let him hang around, I won’t be able to get on with my life.
I hope the pain I’m going through will relieve everyone else of unrequited love and heartache.
If you’re going through the same, I’m here to offer you my hugs and love.
Drop me a note , there’s nothing like knowing you’re not alone.
So as much as it hurts this is what I’m doing and what I suggest you do if you’re going through heartbreak.
1. Don’t contact him. At All.
2. Don’t go to places you know you might run into him. At this point I’m not over him yet and I’m not stable enough to run into him, much less run into him and his girlfriend. I’ve no idea if I’ll feel shattered again and have to re-start my recovery. I don’t know if I can put up a brave front and say hi and smile. At this point, I don’t have the strength to. So I don’t want to see him.
3. Accept the finality of his decision. He’s made a choice, he’s gone. Treat it as he’s out of your life.
4. Lean on friends and whenever you feel down or need company, call or go out with a good friend who will support you
5. Do things that interest you and make you happy. Take a new class. If painting made you happy, go back and do that. If Yoga helps you relieve your stress do it. Look after yourself and make yourself Happy in a healthy way
With that, I hope this finds you all happy and healthy
Leave me a message to share your story, a huge or word or comfort.
Related stories and links I read as part of the 80 pages of search results:
Guy I like a lot posted a picture.
It looks like he’s at a wedding. Possibly his wedding?!?!
I do not know. But he’s looking into someone’s eyes. Dammit ARGH.
Ok, by now, I gather you realize he’s not into me.
Yeah best advice ever to women out there. LISTEN.
If he’s not calling, if he’s not asking you out, if he’s not making plans with you —
HE’s just NOT into you.
Do I know that? Yeah sure, my brain does.
My heart is an entirely different matter. It’s got a mind of it’s own. ha ha. Not so funny really.
So what do I do? I should close the photo and move on.
But NOOOoooo. I download the photo and keep on looking at it, torturing myself unnecessarily with thoughts of “WHO’s he staring at? He’s definitely flirting with a female right?? Why not meeee? Is he proposing??? Is this his wedding?!?!”
Yeah, I really should stop looking at the photo and driving myself crazy. I really should stop thinking about him and throw him into exile. But I like him — even though I know he’s wrong for me.
I like him because we have so much in common, we enjoy the same things and we have a great time hanging out together (or maybe it’s only me that thinks that seeing how he has stopped calling).
I’m smart, sassy, pleasant enough to look at and I just do NOT understand why he’s not into me.
I often get hung up on that very question – why isn’t so and so into me? Why didn’t he want to be with me?
Not because I’m looking desperately to be with someone, in fact, I’d rather be single than be with the wrong person but there definitely have been guys that I’ve come across that I would have liked to spend more time with to figure out if there was something there that could have led to a relationship. I guess their silence decided there wasn’t.
I know I’ll never get answers to my questions of “whys”. And I need to accept it.
Accepting things and improving yourself and 2 things that take a lot of hard work. More on that some other time.
So when you are totally crushed out by a guy, do not torture yourself by looking at his photo that’s possibly taken at his wedding, or where’s flirting with some girl that’s not you incessantly.
When you are crushed, go seek some friends who will make you feel better. Get or do something that will make you feel better — like having your favorite cup of tea or coffee, exercising. Just do anything that will make you feel better.
Now if only I would listen to myself instead of staring and reading into his picture again …
ps: help! sos!