Sparkling

relationships

This tag is associated with 14 posts

I Wanted to Kiss You Goodnight

Kiss you goodnight

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Making Sense of Why the Guy You Love Chose Another Girl

When the Guy I’ve loved chooses to be with another girl,

Naturally I’m searching for answers to make sense of it all.

What’s the best way to search for answers?

GOOGLE.

I googled combinations of “Why the guy chose another girl”
“Why did he disappear?”

“Why did he walked away?”

I read through 80, yes eighty, pages of search results needing to find the answers among blogs, magazine tips, news paper articles.

I needed comfort, I needed answers.

Why did he choose her? Why did he get disinterested in me?
Why didn’t he appreciate my genuine feelings for him?
Why didn’t he value me?
Why didn’t he recognize all the things we had in common?

Why, why, why, why, why, WHY????

Why her and not me?
WHY???
Why, why, why, why, WHY?

Here are a couple of things I learned from reading over 80 pages of search results and a few hundred links. These rang true to me.
I know this makes sense and I need to knock this into my sense.

1. Obsessing is about looking for reasons to blame yourself and trying to reason out things that there aren’t necessarily answers for.

The fact that you’re asking Why he doesn’t want to be with you or Why he chose her says you still want him very badly even though he’s clearly expressed he doesn’t see the value in you or being with you.

Yes, it hurts. Ouch. OUCH.

We all know that continuing to ask why yields no answers.
Continuing to ask WHY just does more emotional damage to yourself because you keep putting him and those Why questions on replay.

You’re obsessing about him. You’re clinging on to the last shred of him when he’s walked away and is enjoying life on a beach with the girlfriend while you’re crying your eyes out and losing weight because you can’t eat. You want to continually mourn him, you don’t want to move on.
Often when we ask these questions, they are with regard to men who probably aren’t worthy of our time.

2. You are Wonderful. Him choosing some girl is about him, not You (or me).

It does not say anything about you or imply that you are not good enough.
He just wanted something else.
Do not take it as a judgment on yourself.

There is nothing wrong with you other than your misinterpretation of the facts.

You’re Pink and he preferred Green. Pink is not better than Green.
Pink is just different from Green. That’s simply it.

If the one you love doesn’t want you, and by implication doesn’t value you, this is your wake-up call, albeit a painful one. You don’t want him or her either. You don’t want to invest any more time or thought or energy in this person.

When you love and admire someone so much, it may seem impossible to let go of.
But you must want to let go (instead of cling on to his memory) and you will move on
If you consciously choose to change your focus.

3. Stop Blaming Yourself

When I first heard the news that he’d gotten into a relationship, I started to look back at all the things I did wrong.

I cried miserably in the shower convinced I, myself, had singlehandedly ruined a long await chance at a relationship and being happy with someone who had so much in common.

I replayed the things I screwed up: Why didn’t I move in closer when we were walking by the river?
I should have made it clearer I liked him.
I shouldn’t have been so cautious about liking him. (well, look how well loving him has worked out…)
I should have been more spontaneous about saying “Let’s do this on saturday!” instead of waiting for him to suggest it.
I should have worn few accessories, the piles of bangles which were all the rage was probably too much

The truth is this.

And often times, the truth hurts A LOT more than the generalized comforting phrases we use.

The Truth is if he liked me enough, appreciated and valued me, he would have stayed.
He wouldn’t have walked off and lost interest — no matter how many bangles I had on my arm.


4. I’ll won’t find someone so compatible and amazing as him…

When the feelings are not mutual between you and another, examine how you put yourself in this unequal place.

Do you think that you’ll never find anyone else? (Guilty for now, Yes. I think it’ll be decades before I meet someone with so much in common in interests and background. Sigh)

Do you fantasize that if only he or she would love you, you would be happy the rest of your life?
(Guilty, Yes I can see all the things we could enjoy doing together, walks in the parks, concerts, traveling the world. Ah, Sigh. If Only….)

You are longing for someone who seems to have more going for them than you do, perhaps you need to look at what you should be doing to have a better, more interesting, more fulfilling life.


It could be that the loss you feel is the life you wanted to have by vicariously living beside and through someone else.


The saddest part to these one-way love obsessions is how willing people are to accept so little in return. It isn’t the beloved who is treating you badly— YOU are doing yourself an injustice and hurting yourself more by hanging around and moping after someone who isn’t available and doesn’t care enough about you. 


“Having a crush on someone is like putting your heart in a Ziploc bag and checking it at the airport luggage counter. There is a chance it will make the trip and come out unscathed, but there is a much greater chance that it will be bruised in some way.


We can all take great comfort in knowing that everything passes. Since there are no exceptions-none–it means that if you are sad, you won’t always be sad. If you fail, you’ll bounce back. If someone hurt you, that feeling will change. If you lose a love, there will be another. Indeed, there is something very reassuring in knowing that, whatever it is, however hard it seems, it too will pass.”


Understand there is no rhyme or reason to why men disappear or lose interest. No matter how much you discuss the situation with your friends, trying to figure out where things went wrong, it will all be speculations and you won’t get the answer of why he acted the way he did. In fact, it might have to do more with him than you. Maybe he got spooked at the thought of your relationship progressing to a more serious level, or perhaps he wasn’t as interested in you as he lead on and didn’t want to admit it face to face. The truth is, you’ll never know for certain why a man acts the way he does unless you hear it from him…and he probably isn’t coming back to tell you.


which is completely true because I haven’t heard from him…


I went through hundreds of links over the weekend, my emotional state matching the most gravity defying roller coasters.


On Sunday night I was exhausted from all the reading, trying to make sense of it all, trying to find comfort.


Perhaps all these combined words of wisdom and reality did sink in a little.
As I was going to sleep on Sunday night, instead of crying myself to sleep, I felt this sense of strength that I would be alright and I could rid him out of my mind.
Right now, I can’t let him linger at all because I like him too much.
If I even let him hang around, I won’t be able to get on with my life.


I hope the pain I’m going through will relieve everyone else of unrequited love and heartache.

If you’re going through the same, I’m here to offer you my hugs and love.
Drop me a note , there’s nothing like knowing you’re not alone.


So as much as it hurts this is what I’m doing and what I suggest you do if you’re going through heartbreak.

1. Don’t contact him. At All.
2. Don’t go to places you know you might run into him. At this point I’m not over him yet and I’m not stable enough to run into him, much less run into him and his girlfriend. I’ve no idea if I’ll feel shattered again and have to re-start my recovery. I don’t know if I can put up a brave front and say hi and smile. At this point, I don’t have the strength to. So I don’t want to see him.
3. Accept the finality of his decision. He’s made a choice, he’s gone. Treat it as he’s out of your life.
4. Lean on friends and whenever you feel down or need company, call or go out with a good friend who will support you
5. Do things that interest you and make you happy.
Take a new class. If painting made you happy, go back and do that. If Yoga helps you relieve your stress do it. Look after yourself and make yourself Happy in a healthy way


With that, I hope this finds you all happy and healthy
Leave me a message to share your story, a huge or word or comfort.

Related stories and links I read as part of the 80 pages of search results:

Who He Chose…

It was meant to a relaxing, laid back afternoon,
enjoying coffee and sinful chocolate cake with a friend.

I walked into the tiny cafe looking for some seats.

Walking along the long wooden table, I felt punched by the walls and probably froze for a few seconds.
Right in front, I saw the guy I was crazy about.
With a girl.
and his arms around her.

I was completely caught off guard. I was not prepared to meet him.
I hadn’t heard from him in awhile and I had guessed he had met someone.
But there’s nothing like being smashed in the face with the visual of the guy you’ve been liking for over a year standing with his girlfriend.
His arms around her when you want it to be you his arms are around.

I turned around and walked out of the cafe slowly, hoping no one, including him, would notice.
Wishing I could fade into the walls, sink into the wooden floor boards and disappear.
Wishing I never walked into that cafe to see him with his new girlfriend.

Once out the door, I walked in a daze towards the small garden patch next to the cafe.
The friend I was meeting was walking to the cafe and I had to quickly revert to my smiley disposition.
A friend confirmed my sighting when she heard I’d seen him
“Oh yes! he’s got a girlfriend! It’s pretty new!”
I kept very silent and put on a poker face the entire time.

For the first few hours, I must have still been in shock and I didn’t feel much.

As the hours have worn on, the questions have surfaced and are playing on repeat in my mind.
The hurt and pain is surfacing. I’ve cried a few times.

As I cried in the shower, I yelled at myself silently: I blame myself partly.
I just screwed up a possible shot at a relationship with someone who has a lot in common.
If I wasn’t so cautious when I first met him and I showed my interest more clearly, it could be me by his side now.
Now I’ve lost a chance to find out if we are compatible, if we can have a life together.
It’s gone.

And I’m reeling in the pain and hurt that he chose someone else over me.
I just wanted us to share our common interests together, learn about other areas together and each other’s perspective, enjoy the simple things in life of reading together on a sofa, admire the view from the mountain, savor the fragrant tea.

He is the only one I’ve met who I’ve wanted to cook for and recreate his favorite childhood dish he misses. I would have experimented countless times to recreate the dish for him since the family recipe has been lost.

 

I admire him and love his creativity, his understated, quiet sense of humor, his brilliance.
I like him for who he is — not what he’s achieved or what he offers me.
I like him for him.

I’d so wish we could have pursued our interests together, side by side.
I wanted to edge him on and support him and encourage him to embark on his long time dream.

I wanted to have a shot at finding out if we were compatible together,
if we could have a life together.
I believe we could.

I just wanted for us to enjoy the things we had in common and incorporate the differences,
to cheer him on in his efforts, support him when things were down,
stand on his side always, love and laugh together,
make him happy, and be happy together.

 

Where we both feel our lives are better because we are together:
The bad days are more bearable because we have enough other,
The joys in life are more joyous because we celebrate together.
If he fell sick, I’d look after him and stay with him to lift his spirits.
I just wanted to share our life, have a fuller life, and be happier together because we had each other.
My love is sincere and genuine and that’s all I want.

I don’t know why he lost interest. Was it something I said or did?
I don’t know why he doesn’t appreciate my sincerity and everything I have to offer.
Honestly, how many people would love you for you and not because you have something to offer them?

But he chose someone else.
I’m crushed I have to admit. Completely crushed.
I shouldn’t be taking it this hard.
After all it was just a guy I had been going out with that didn’t work.
I shouldn’t be in tears or feeling this piercing pain throughout my body.

But the pain is there and it hurts like hell.
I need it to go away and I can’t bear living with this pain.
I don’t know why and what went wrong and I know I won’t get any answers.

I have a lot of love and affection for him.
I swear there was chemistry between us and there’s an attraction.
I wish we had a shot at life together.

For now, I need this pain to go away and accept I’ve lost a shot with someone I care deeply for.
I hate being collateral damage but this is life.
In life, sometimes you end up with a losing streak.
Until things improve….

Please share how you got through the pain and hurt when a person you loved chose to be with someone else.lost-love-poems2

A Good Boyfriend #conversations

 

Drinking tea from a mug, chatting with girlfriends

Me: The measure of a good boyfriend is one who…

(runs in & exclaims)
Abby: measures longer than 6 inches???

Me: No, Abby NO!! That’s not what I meant…

Abby: So you like it small?!?!?

Me: NO, NO!!

Abby: I’m confused…

Call the Guy #Conversations

Friend’s husband: Are you getting married next?

Me: It would help if there was a groom to be in sight…
It would help if I were dating…

Friend’s husband: First you’d have to speak to the guy

Me: Yeah, then he’d have to actually call and ask me out.

AND, continue to ask me out till we get to the point of dating.
Instead of losing interest and disappearing after awhile

Friend’s husband: Call Him

Me: If he’s interested, he’ll know how to call

The last time I took the initiative, the guy ignore my text
The time before last, the guy went AWOL for a whole 9 mths.

 

The times I took initiative:

He’s Running Away, Literally

Skeptical Hope


Being Ignored

 

 

Last 2 times I took initiative  to text a guy, I got ignored. Calling a guy is overrated

Last 2 times I took initiative to text a guy, I got ignored. Calling a guy is overrated. Never Call a Guy. Go eat ice cream.

 

Taking the Relationship to the Next Level… or Not…

Zoey says “I want you to really commit to me.”

My muscles tense up immediately.
It makes me nervous. VERY nervous.
My instinct is to run.
I try to escape but am blocked by a bed, the wall, and Zoey.

She wants me to take things to the next level
She wants me to believe in her
That’s the commitment she needs.
She tells me not to be afraid of pain.

ARE you KIDDING ME??
This is freaking scary.

I look down. I see the faded blue carpet. I’m not ready.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be. Maybe someday.
Not now, not next week, not even next month.

I move my arms as fast as I can in a slow manner, trying not to let on I’m gathering my things to leave.
Honestly, she can probably see I’m trying to get away.
My bag and jacket in hand, I say “I need some time to think about it”

I stand up from the table slowly, “I should go…”
She asks gently, knowing she’s tipped the balance with her demand, “When am I seeing you again?”

I’m just 8 steps from the door. Almost out.
I try to act normal, replying ;”I’m not sure of my schedule yet. I’ll call you… When I can. Bye”
I scurry out.

Yeah my alternative medical therapist wants to take things to the next level
so she can poke me with needles. She says it will help my ankle heal.
Ok ok  fine it’s Acupuncture. It’s legit. She’s certified. But STILL!

Do you get your tire punctured on purpose? NO.
Does a punctured tire miraculously heal and become newer than it was before? NO.

You know why it’s called AcuPUNCTURE?
Because it involves puncturing my skin with holes
(I DON’T care how tiny they are!! They are still Holes!)
and maybe even puncturing my organs!!
Actually skin is an organ so in effect, YES. It’s a practice of puncturing my organ!
Thank You but I’ll PASS on that. You keep that for yourself honey!

I’m scared of needles & I hold off getting injections when I’m sick unless I’m left with no other options.
Sharp objects poking into my skin and nerve endings voluntarily? BLURGH
now she wants to poke me with MANY sharp objects. HELLO?!?

It’s not you. It’s me.
Maybe it’s you. Actually, it IS You.
You and Your needles.

I’m sorry this relationship did not work out…..

 That's how I feel about your commitment request. NO. NO NEEDLES.

That’s how I feel about your commitment request.  NO. NO NEEDLES.

Honeymoons make me nervous…

Initially I was going to write about dealing with being judged but hey, it’s the weekend. Let’s loosen up.

So, I read about the unfortunate boating accident at the Hudson River that left the bride to be and a groomsman dead. I went all “You SEE??? That’s what could happen if you get married!!”

Ok yes, I realize most couples do actually go on on to get married and live for a few more weeks/months/years. But these dead spouse-to-be stories just send chills down my spine.

I get a little nervous about weddings and getting married. If you watch enough programs like “Fatal Vows” , “Happily Never After”, maybe you would be too.

I’m sure most of you would say most guys aren’t that way! Look at my guy, he’s a great guy …
Yeah, most of the time, when family and friends are interviewed, they say “I can’t believe s/he did it… they seemed so in love… They were so caring… This isn’t the person I know…” That’s right, You can’t tell who’s going to end up trying to kill you on your honeymoon (or any other time) for your insurance money (or whatever it is you have they want)!

Having watch, heard, and read about too many stories about one spouse/spouse-to-be planning an accident or scheming to get rid of the other to inherit their insurance policy or assets,  I get quite nervous about getting married. My neck starts to feel a little delicate shall we say …

Whenever my friends announce they are getting married and say , “We’re going on a lovely luxury cruise for our honeymoon!” or “We’re going to a Safari for our honeymoon!” I get all tensed up and mildly freak out in my mind. If I could, I’d run in circles repeatedly like a puppy being scared and anxious alone in a room.

My thoughts on those honeymoon trips… “REALLY? a cruise… with a BALCONY did you say? how… erm…Lovely?” Yeah, that Balcony will make it SO MUCH easier to push the other person down and fake an accident. I do not recommend a cruise or balcony suite. Not now, maybe not ever.

Yachts and Cruises sound romantic... Until you're pushed off the deck or balcony...

Yachts and Cruises sound romantic…
Until you’re pushed off the deck or balcony…

“A Safari! How Exciting! There will be LIONS in a very open jeep… OH you planned a few PRIVATE safari drives too!!! How exciting” Yeah, that will just be so much easier to push the other person over to the Lions and fake an accident. So, I do not recommend a safari either. You see the trend.

“Scuba Diving?? It’s ok I can see the fishes on TV.
No, I really don’t want too.
It’ll be too easy for you to cut my oxygen tube during the dive.
You could easily let the knife sink to the ocean floor and no one would ever find it”

I guess that might be the end of the relationship if I ever voice these concerns.

Weddings and the idea of marriage make me nervous …. especially if there is a boating, cruise, safari, scuba dive etc.
AND a new insurance policy in the spouse’s name involved…

I’m glad all my friends have returned from their honeymoon safely — together.
In one piece.

That’s either #LowExpectations (If I get married, I’d like a honeymoon and life without my spouse trying to kill me) or
#HighStandards (I want a good guy, one who doesn’t try to kill me?)

and yes, I realize that story about the boating accident isn’t about one spouse trying to kill the other…
Well, at least it’s doesn’t *appear* to be, YET…

Have a good weekend, have fun,
Don’t get on a cruise with anyone who’s a beneficiary of your insurance policy.
Best thing — make your pet your beneficiary. They generally don’t try to kill you.
Unless your pet is a viper or lion…

I want Corpse guy’s number …

“I guess it depends on what you’re using them for….”

A series of text messages I got from a completely random number:  

them:  Do I need all of these corpses?

me: Daddy?

them:  What?

me: Is this my father?

them:  Larry?

me:  No.  I think you have the wrong number.

Them:  Sorry.

me: But wait…why DO you have so many corpses?

them:  Why did you assume I was your father?

me:  It’s sort of a long story.

them:  Ditto.

me:  Well.  Good luck to you then.

them:  You too.

And this is why I LOVE the Bloggess!  Check out The Bloggess

There’s no one else like her. You’ll wonder how you survived this long without being part of her witty, hilarious days!

I want THEM’s number. I really really really want to know how they got that many corpses and what THEM plans on doing with them (the corpses).

If you’re here from NaBloPoMo where the theme of the month is Connect, well, let’s just say I’m dying to connect with people and guys over interesting conversations… (pun totally intended…). Ideally, it would be interesting conversations and meaningful relationships but I’ll take what I can get… (we’re already covered how well my dating life is…)

I bet THEM and I could strike up a friendship — This is how I imagine our conversation:

ME: You know, were you just a tad worried when you realized you had the wrong number?

Them: Nah, we can just add to the corpses… We have a lot as is, one more is nothing…

ME: Hmmm I see. Should you really be texting about corpses? Isn’t it a little sensitive?
You could get into A LOT of trouble… and I mean the FBI, CIA, NYPD, LAPD, WhateverstatePD

Them: I guess, but we’re not too worried. Look how the rest of them turned out…

ME: I can’t see how they turned out but I’m certainly seeing a trend…. Well, I’m just looking out for you. You can be sure I won’t say a thing. It’s just between you and me.

Them: Thanks man. Good to know you got my back. That’s pretty kool.

ME: I’m a woman=)  It must be stressful.  I’m here anytime you need to talk.
When I say I’m here, don’t come find me or turn up at my door. Texting will do…

Them: sure honey. that’s nice. Our truck is full right now so we try not to travel unless we absolutely need to   take care of things…

ME: OK. Sounds good. stay where you are. Be safe and warm. Keep the heat and moisture away, they’re not good for your “passengers”. You should bring a lot of, uhrm, hydrogen peroxide to remove the blood stains?

You know, I just googled and it’s not clear what you use to remove blood stains since they are So. Stubborn.
What Do You use?

Them: Our trade secret. Sorry. can’t share. You often have to remove blood stains too?

ME: Uhrm, think that hits my boundary… Let’s leave this for another time…. I should go sleep. It was nice talking to you. Text soon again!

Them: no prob.  we gotta go make grilled meat sandwich. goodnight

Let me cook for you, my dear…

While watching TV…
Me: Hmm. I kind of miss being able to cook for a boyfriend…

Friend: Yeah. You mean you miss being able to cook at all…

Me: I cook!…. every now and then…

Friend: Sure. Of course you do. You cook and it’s a good outcome when no pots get burned and no fires engulf the kitchen…

Me: I’ve never burned a house down from cooking!

Friend: Great. It’s better if you don’t cook. And it’s not like you’d cook for a guy. HOW many times have you attempted to poison a boyfriend that way?

Me: I like the idea of having a boyfriend that I could hypothetically cook for… it’s sweet and romantic… and I didn’t poison any boyfriends!!

Well, there was that once I offered to cook for a guy I liked… except that it was really more of a threat…
I told him how I screwed up Carbonara a bunch of times and it ended up as soggy scrambled eggs in pasta.

Even i can't bear to eat my failed Carbonara

Even i can’t bear to eat my failed Carbonara

And after telling that story, I offered to cook him dinner…. It worked brilliantly.
He kept saying no. So i didn’t have to cook in the end. Which I didn’t want to anyway. I just wanted to offer and make sure my offer wasn’t taken up. Thank god he wasn’t suicidal.

That was quite amusing I must say. I still chuckle when i think of that. Brilliant me.

My Suitor

Hello, I’m SO SORRY I’ve been MIA. I’ll post another post about why I haven’t been posting.

Let’s get to the fun conversation I had yesterday.

As the title post suggests, my suitor came calling yesterday ….
Side note: It sounds romantic right? =) Why doesn’t anyone speak/write this way anymore?
No one uses “My suitor” or “came calling”.
Now it’s “this guy” “texted me” or “hung out with me”. So unromantic and unclear…

Back to the conversation with my friend…

Me: My suitor came calling yesterday…
Friend: Hope you didn’t pick up the phone after THAT date…

Me: uhrm no, it was a different suitor. He came hopping into my living room more precisely…

Friend: Frogs do NOT count as suitors!!

Me: He’s NOT a frog!! He’s a PRINCE!! We just haven’t kissed yet!!!

Friend: How have things turned out this way?  *sighs*

Me: I don’t know. But at least I have a persistent suitor….

I tell you, He's a PRINCE!!! Not simply a frog!

I tell you, He’s a PRINCE!!! Not simply a frog!

Said suitor, takes the form of a young frog. I maintain He’s a Prince. Wait till we kiss!!

He often comes around and sometimes decides to hop into my living room. Since this has occurred multiple times, I consider him a persistent, dedicated suitor…. I’ve yet to get a good picture of him and will post it once I get a good one.

He’s very dark green and he only comes over at night (I know, sketchy right?) so it’s hard to get a good, clear picture.

As this post alluded to, I had a date recently… and it was, well, interesting ….

That’s another post to entertain all of you…. Might as well get a good laugh out of these less than stellar dates!

So I owe you many posts. 1. Why I’ve been MIA    2. The recent date.

Do not expect to take home “your supposed portion” of a meal after announcing you’d like a break.

I love how Domestic Diva dives straight into the Lasagna Recipe. I would have stuck on the point of “HE’s breaking up with me?!?! We weren’t even together!! Wait, there’s no WE!
I’m gonna sit here and eat that delicious farmers market lasagna (one of my favorites by the way) while he can stare in growing hunger!!

…and He’s breaking up with me???
I (capital 80 pt font) was planning on breaking up with him! I was sparing his feelings!!

Yeah, and it’s not even me. See how ruffled i get? I might be prettier ruffled if I had a beautiful shiny plumage with shimmering green and blue feathers — just like a peacock.

domestic diva, M.D.

There is such a thing as a stupid request.

I was casually dating a guy. He was the sort of guy that was nice enough, but not really my type overall as I was quickly realizing. You know the guys that it would be better to have just been friends as opposed to date? He fell into that category…hence the “casually dating”. I was planning on ending it myself, but I knew he was really stressed with work (so I was barely seeing him anyway) so I figured I’d wait at least a little bit to not add to the stress.

One day, he came over to my house for dinner. I had just made an amazing lasagna with wild mushrooms from my local farmer’s market. I couldn’t wait to eat it.

I didn’t realize there was going to be a slight delay.

He walked in, sat down on…

View original post 616 more words

WHY didn’t you return my call?!?!? in 1,615 words… after the first date…

I wouldn’t be seriously involved with a woman if she didn’t like classical music.”

I see. It makes me raise my eyebrows. That’s a make or break criteria? REally?

I won’t say much and let you read and *enjoy* this spiel of affection… and awkwardness…
=) Tell me what you think … and we can have a conversation =)

Here goes:

Hi Lauren,

I’m disappointed in you. I’m disappointed that I haven’t gotten a response to my voicemail and text messages.
FYI, I suggest that you keep in mind that emails sound more impersonal, harsher, and are easier to misinterpret than in-person or phone communication. After all, people can’t see someone’s body language or tone of voice in an email. I’m not trying to be harsh, patronizing, or insulting in this email. I’m honest and direct by nature, and I’m going to be that way in this email. By the way, I did a google search, so that’s how I came across your email.

I assume that you no longer want to go out with me. (If you do want to go out with me, then you should let me know.) I suggest that you make a sincere apology to me for giving me mixed signals. I feel led on by you.

Things that happened during our date include, but are not limited to, the following:

-You played with your hair a lot. A woman playing with her hair is a common sign of flirtation. You can even do a google search on it. When a woman plays with her hair, she is preening. I’ve never had a date where a woman played with her hair as much as you did. In addition, it didn’t look like you were playing with your hair out of nervousness.

-We had lots of eye contact during our date. On a per-minute basis, I’ve never had as much eye contact during a date as I did with you.

-You said, “It was nice to meet you.” at the end of our date. A woman could say this statement as a way to show that she isn’t interested in seeing a man again or she could mean what she said–that it was nice to meet you. The statement, by itself, is inconclusive.

-We had a nice conversation over dinner. I don’t think I’m being delusional in saying this statement.

In my opinion, leading someone on (i.e., giving mixed signals) is impolite and immature. It’s bad to do that.
Normally, I would not be asking for information if a woman and I don’t go out again after a first date. However, in our case, I’m curious because I think our date went well and that there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship. Of course, it’s difficult to predict what would happen, but I think there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship developing between us one day (or least there was before your non-response to my voicemail and text messages).

I think we should go out on a second date. In my opinion, our first date was good enough to lead to a second date.
Why am I writing you? Well, hopefully, we will go out again. Even if we don’t, I gain utility from expressing my thoughts to you. In addition, even if you don’t want to go out again, I would like to get feedback as to why you wouldn’t want to go again. Normally, I wouldn’t ask a woman for this type of feedback after a first date, but this is an exception given I think we have a lot of potential.

If you don’t want to go again, then apparently you didn’t think our first date was good enough to lead to a second date. Dating or a relationship is not a Hollywood movie. It’s good to keep that in mind. In general, I thought the date went well and was expecting that we would go out on a second date.

If you’re not interested in going out again, then I would have preferred if you hadn’t given those mixed signals. I feel led on. We have a number of things in common. I’ll name a few things: First, we’ve both very intelligent. Second, we both like classical music so much that we go to classical music performances by ourselves. In fact, the number one interest that I would want to have in common with a woman with whom I’m in a relationship is a liking of classical music. I wouldn’t be seriously involved with a woman if she didn’t like classical music. You said that you’re planning to go the NY Philharmonic more often in the future.

As I said, I go to the NY Philharmonic often. You’re very busy. It would be very convenient for you to date me because we have the same interests. We already go to classical music performances by ourselves. If we go to classical music performances together, it wouldn’t take any significant additional time on your part. According to the internet, you’re 33 or 32, so, at least from my point of view, we’re a good match in terms of age. I could name more things that we have in common, but I’ll stop here. I don’t understand why you apparently don’t want to go out with me again. We have numerous things in common. I assume that you find me physically attractive. If you didn’t find me physically attractive, then it would have been irrational for you to go out with me in the first place. After all, our first date was not a blind date. You already knew what I looked like before our date. Perhaps, you’re unimpressed that I manage my family’s investments and my own investments. Perhaps, you don’t think I have a “real” job. Well, I’ve done very well as an investment manager. I’ve made my parents several millions of dollars.

That’s real money. That’s not monopoly money. In my opinion, if I make real money, it’s a real job. Donald Trump’s children work for his company. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. George Soros’s sons help manage their family investments. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. In addition, I’m both a right-brain and left-brain man, given that I’m both an investment manager and a philosopher/writer. That’s a unique characteristic; most people aren’t like that. I’ve never been as disappointed and sad about having difficulty about getting a second date as I am with you. I’ve gone out with a lot of women in my life. (FYI, I’m not a serial dater. Sometimes, I’ve only gone out with a woman for one date.) People don’t grow on trees. I hope you appreciate the potential we have.

Am I sensitive person? Sure, I am. I think it’s better to be sensitive than to be insensitive. There are too many impolite, insensitive people in the world.

I suggest that we continue to go out and see what happens. Needless to say, I find you less appealing now (given that you haven’t returned my messages) than I did at our first date. However, I would be willing to go out with you again. I’m open minded and flexible and am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. I wish you would give me the benefit of the doubt too. If you don’t want to go out again, in my opinion, you would be making a big mistake, perhaps one of the biggest mistakes in your life. If you don’t want to go out again, then you should have called to tell me so. Even sending a text message would have been better than nothing. In my opinion, not responding to my messages is impolite, immature, passive aggressive, and cowardly. I spent time, effort, and money meeting you for dinner. Getting back to me in response to my messages would have been a reasonable thing for you to do. In addition, you arrived about 30 minutes late for our date. I’m sure you wouldn’t like it if a man showed up thirty minutes late for a first date with you.

If you’re concerned that you will hurt my feelings by providing specific information about why you don’t want to go with me again, well, my feeling are already hurt. I’m sad and disappointed about this situation. If you give information, at least I can understand the situation better. I might even learn something that is beneficial.

If you don’t want to go out again, that I request that you call me and make a sincere apology for leading me on (i.e., giving me mixed signals). In my opinion, you shouldn’t act that way toward a man and then not go out with him again. It’s bad to play with your hair so much and make so much eye contact if you’re not interested in going out with me again. I have tried to write this email well, but it’s not perfect. Again, I’m not trying to be harsh, insulting, patronizing, etc. I’m disappointed, sad, etc. I would like to talk to you on the phone. I hope you will call me back at xxx-xxx-xxxx> (if it’s inconvenient for you to talk on the phone when you read this email, you can let me know via email that you are willing to talk on the phone and I’ll call you). If you get my voicemail, you can a leave a message and I can call you back. Even if you don’t want to go out again, I would appreciate it if you give me the courtesy of calling me and talking to me. Yes, you might say things that hurt me, but my feelings are already hurt. Sending me an email response (instead of talking on the phone) would better than no response at all, but I think it would be better to talk on the phone. Email communication has too much potential for misinterpretation, etc.

Best, Mike

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/07/investment-manager-embarrassing-email_n_1135279.html

When you’re totally crushed out and crushed…

Guy I like a lot posted a picture.

It looks like he’s at a wedding. Possibly his wedding?!?!
I do not know. But he’s looking into someone’s eyes. Dammit ARGH.
Ok,  by now, I gather you realize he’s not into me.

Yeah best advice ever to women out there. LISTEN.
If he’s not calling, if he’s not asking you out, if he’s not making plans with you —
HE’s just NOT into you.
Do I know that? Yeah sure, my brain does.
My heart is an entirely different matter. It’s got a mind of it’s own. ha ha. Not so funny really.

So what do I do? I should close the photo and move on.
But NOOOoooo. I download the photo and keep on looking at it, torturing myself unnecessarily with thoughts of “WHO’s he staring at? He’s definitely flirting with a female right?? Why not meeee? Is he proposing??? Is this his wedding?!?!”

Yeah, I really should stop looking at the photo and driving myself crazy. I really should stop thinking about him and throw him into exile. But I like him — even though I know he’s wrong for me.

I like him because we have so much in common, we enjoy the same things and we have a great time hanging out together (or maybe it’s only me that thinks that seeing how he has stopped calling).
I’m smart, sassy, pleasant enough to look at and I just do NOT understand why he’s not into me.

I often get hung up on that very question – why isn’t so and so into me? Why didn’t he want to be with me?
Not because I’m looking desperately to be with someone, in fact, I’d rather be single than be with the wrong person but there definitely have been guys that I’ve come across that I would have liked to spend more time with to figure out if there was something there that could have led to a relationship. I guess their silence decided there wasn’t.

I know I’ll never get answers to my questions of “whys”. And I need to accept it.

Accepting things and improving yourself and 2 things that take a lot of hard work. More on that some other time.
So when you are totally crushed out by a guy, do not torture yourself by looking at his photo that’s possibly taken at his wedding, or where’s flirting with some girl that’s not you incessantly.

When you are crushed, go seek some friends who will make you feel better. Get or do something that will make you feel better — like having your favorite cup of tea or coffee, exercising. Just do anything that will make you feel better.

Now if only I would listen to myself instead of staring and reading into his picture again …
ps: help! sos!

Someone who fights for you and your relationship

Last week, I attended the wedding of a long time friend. They’re a gorgeous, wonderful couple – lots of spunk and humor! Listening to their dedications to each other, the stories from their friends, a thought hit me:

You know, dating in search of love shouldn’t be this hard and agonizing.

There really isn’t much to decode and decipher.

If he’s really attracted to you and mature enough to be looking for a real, long term relationship, he’ll call and be dependable. Not disappear for weeks, casually forget you were suppose to have dinner.

So every time I find myself thinking “why hasn’t so and so called???” and angst about it, I’m just going to shrug it off and realize it’s not the right one and move along without tearing myself up no matter how much I may like the guy.

I know what I’m about, I have a lot to give to the right person who feels the same.
It’s about finding someone who will fight for me and our relationship.

Realize all that you are and all the things you have to give to someone.
Know that you are worth fighting for!

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