Sparkling

Pain

This tag is associated with 3 posts

Who He Chose…

It was meant to a relaxing, laid back afternoon,
enjoying coffee and sinful chocolate cake with a friend.

I walked into the tiny cafe looking for some seats.

Walking along the long wooden table, I felt punched by the walls and probably froze for a few seconds.
Right in front, I saw the guy I was crazy about.
With a girl.
and his arms around her.

I was completely caught off guard. I was not prepared to meet him.
I hadn’t heard from him in awhile and I had guessed he had met someone.
But there’s nothing like being smashed in the face with the visual of the guy you’ve been liking for over a year standing with his girlfriend.
His arms around her when you want it to be you his arms are around.

I turned around and walked out of the cafe slowly, hoping no one, including him, would notice.
Wishing I could fade into the walls, sink into the wooden floor boards and disappear.
Wishing I never walked into that cafe to see him with his new girlfriend.

Once out the door, I walked in a daze towards the small garden patch next to the cafe.
The friend I was meeting was walking to the cafe and I had to quickly revert to my smiley disposition.
A friend confirmed my sighting when she heard I’d seen him
“Oh yes! he’s got a girlfriend! It’s pretty new!”
I kept very silent and put on a poker face the entire time.

For the first few hours, I must have still been in shock and I didn’t feel much.

As the hours have worn on, the questions have surfaced and are playing on repeat in my mind.
The hurt and pain is surfacing. I’ve cried a few times.

As I cried in the shower, I yelled at myself silently: I blame myself partly.
I just screwed up a possible shot at a relationship with someone who has a lot in common.
If I wasn’t so cautious when I first met him and I showed my interest more clearly, it could be me by his side now.
Now I’ve lost a chance to find out if we are compatible, if we can have a life together.
It’s gone.

And I’m reeling in the pain and hurt that he chose someone else over me.
I just wanted us to share our common interests together, learn about other areas together and each other’s perspective, enjoy the simple things in life of reading together on a sofa, admire the view from the mountain, savor the fragrant tea.

He is the only one I’ve met who I’ve wanted to cook for and recreate his favorite childhood dish he misses. I would have experimented countless times to recreate the dish for him since the family recipe has been lost.

 

I admire him and love his creativity, his understated, quiet sense of humor, his brilliance.
I like him for who he is — not what he’s achieved or what he offers me.
I like him for him.

I’d so wish we could have pursued our interests together, side by side.
I wanted to edge him on and support him and encourage him to embark on his long time dream.

I wanted to have a shot at finding out if we were compatible together,
if we could have a life together.
I believe we could.

I just wanted for us to enjoy the things we had in common and incorporate the differences,
to cheer him on in his efforts, support him when things were down,
stand on his side always, love and laugh together,
make him happy, and be happy together.

 

Where we both feel our lives are better because we are together:
The bad days are more bearable because we have enough other,
The joys in life are more joyous because we celebrate together.
If he fell sick, I’d look after him and stay with him to lift his spirits.
I just wanted to share our life, have a fuller life, and be happier together because we had each other.
My love is sincere and genuine and that’s all I want.

I don’t know why he lost interest. Was it something I said or did?
I don’t know why he doesn’t appreciate my sincerity and everything I have to offer.
Honestly, how many people would love you for you and not because you have something to offer them?

But he chose someone else.
I’m crushed I have to admit. Completely crushed.
I shouldn’t be taking it this hard.
After all it was just a guy I had been going out with that didn’t work.
I shouldn’t be in tears or feeling this piercing pain throughout my body.

But the pain is there and it hurts like hell.
I need it to go away and I can’t bear living with this pain.
I don’t know why and what went wrong and I know I won’t get any answers.

I have a lot of love and affection for him.
I swear there was chemistry between us and there’s an attraction.
I wish we had a shot at life together.

For now, I need this pain to go away and accept I’ve lost a shot with someone I care deeply for.
I hate being collateral damage but this is life.
In life, sometimes you end up with a losing streak.
Until things improve….

Please share how you got through the pain and hurt when a person you loved chose to be with someone else.lost-love-poems2

Taking the Relationship to the Next Level… or Not…

Zoey says “I want you to really commit to me.”

My muscles tense up immediately.
It makes me nervous. VERY nervous.
My instinct is to run.
I try to escape but am blocked by a bed, the wall, and Zoey.

She wants me to take things to the next level
She wants me to believe in her
That’s the commitment she needs.
She tells me not to be afraid of pain.

ARE you KIDDING ME??
This is freaking scary.

I look down. I see the faded blue carpet. I’m not ready.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be. Maybe someday.
Not now, not next week, not even next month.

I move my arms as fast as I can in a slow manner, trying not to let on I’m gathering my things to leave.
Honestly, she can probably see I’m trying to get away.
My bag and jacket in hand, I say “I need some time to think about it”

I stand up from the table slowly, “I should go…”
She asks gently, knowing she’s tipped the balance with her demand, “When am I seeing you again?”

I’m just 8 steps from the door. Almost out.
I try to act normal, replying ;”I’m not sure of my schedule yet. I’ll call you… When I can. Bye”
I scurry out.

Yeah my alternative medical therapist wants to take things to the next level
so she can poke me with needles. She says it will help my ankle heal.
Ok ok  fine it’s Acupuncture. It’s legit. She’s certified. But STILL!

Do you get your tire punctured on purpose? NO.
Does a punctured tire miraculously heal and become newer than it was before? NO.

You know why it’s called AcuPUNCTURE?
Because it involves puncturing my skin with holes
(I DON’T care how tiny they are!! They are still Holes!)
and maybe even puncturing my organs!!
Actually skin is an organ so in effect, YES. It’s a practice of puncturing my organ!
Thank You but I’ll PASS on that. You keep that for yourself honey!

I’m scared of needles & I hold off getting injections when I’m sick unless I’m left with no other options.
Sharp objects poking into my skin and nerve endings voluntarily? BLURGH
now she wants to poke me with MANY sharp objects. HELLO?!?

It’s not you. It’s me.
Maybe it’s you. Actually, it IS You.
You and Your needles.

I’m sorry this relationship did not work out…..

 That's how I feel about your commitment request. NO. NO NEEDLES.

That’s how I feel about your commitment request.  NO. NO NEEDLES.

Massage noises: Wooo owww keeeeha urrrrgh. It’s a good thing I’m a girl

I vocalize a lot when i’m getting massaged.

and, NO!! How could you even THINK THAT??

It’s not out of pleasure, at all. It’s usually out of pain because i often have shoulder and back aches.
Everytime the aches start, i tell myself, “it’ll get better. it’ll go away.”

Of course, it never does.

By the time I get to my massage therapist, i’ve been plagued by worsening pain for weeks and am ready to slice off the offending muscles to release the pulls in all the wrong places.

Every now and then, I get lucky in finding a good physio or sports therapist who can do their ritual and work out my lump-hard, stressed-out muscles and release me from the aches.

Times like now when i’m living in a city where i haven’t quite found one, I go in search of a massage therapist that can help with alleviating the aches. Some are brilliant and gifted; upon the slightest touch, they feel out the culprit and know how to relieve the pain.  Unfortunately, most do nothing for my pain.

It’s been 2 days since my much needed  massage, I’m now aching from the tough beating I got from the therapist — perhaps that’s what makes my original backache seem better…

During the massage, she went “your muscles are completely hard! what did you do??”

me: “You sure that’s not my abs?”

she: “Only if they’re on your back…”

me: silence. no more smart ass comments. Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhoooooooowowwwwwiiiieeeeeeee

During the massage, I’m usually going “Oh yes, there… ok that aches, press harder…. rub around the area, try to get the muscles to not ache please?” Some massage therapists, especially the chinese ones, have a tendency of pressing into my poor muscles with the strength of cattle which causes me pain and makes me go “Owwww oooooooo ahhhhhh urha ur ur urrrrrr”.

Now these noises and lines would sound highly dubious to the therapist or someone listening outside the room. Hopefully there are no voyeurs, but I’m just saying… So it’s a good thing I’m a girl, if not, my massage therapists might think I’m actually getting some fun out of the session.

I can feel my shoulder blade twitch and the stubborn muscle threatening to go into a fit and pull its puppet strings causing me pain. Sigh.

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