Zoey says “I want you to really commit to me.”
My muscles tense up immediately.
It makes me nervous. VERY nervous.
My instinct is to run.
I try to escape but am blocked by a bed, the wall, and Zoey.
She wants me to take things to the next level
She wants me to believe in her
That’s the commitment she needs.
She tells me not to be afraid of pain.
ARE you KIDDING ME??
This is freaking scary.
I look down. I see the faded blue carpet. I’m not ready.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be. Maybe someday.
Not now, not next week, not even next month.
I move my arms as fast as I can in a slow manner, trying not to let on I’m gathering my things to leave.
Honestly, she can probably see I’m trying to get away.
My bag and jacket in hand, I say “I need some time to think about it”
I stand up from the table slowly, “I should go…”
She asks gently, knowing she’s tipped the balance with her demand, “When am I seeing you again?”
I’m just 8 steps from the door. Almost out.
I try to act normal, replying ;”I’m not sure of my schedule yet. I’ll call you… When I can. Bye”
I scurry out.
Yeah my alternative medical therapist wants to take things to the next level
so she can poke me with needles. She says it will help my ankle heal.
Ok ok fine it’s Acupuncture. It’s legit. She’s certified. But STILL!
Do you get your tire punctured on purpose? NO.
Does a punctured tire miraculously heal and become newer than it was before? NO.
You know why it’s called AcuPUNCTURE?
Because it involves puncturing my skin with holes
(I DON’T care how tiny they are!! They are still Holes!)
and maybe even puncturing my organs!!
Actually skin is an organ so in effect, YES. It’s a practice of puncturing my organ!
Thank You but I’ll PASS on that. You keep that for yourself honey!
I’m scared of needles & I hold off getting injections when I’m sick unless I’m left with no other options.
Sharp objects poking into my skin and nerve endings voluntarily? BLURGH
now she wants to poke me with MANY sharp objects. HELLO?!?
It’s not you. It’s me.
Maybe it’s you. Actually, it IS You.
You and Your needles.
I’m sorry this relationship did not work out…..
Somehow, I seem to have a neck for getting into conversations that sound questionable and situations that seem dubious …
I might as well give some good laughs… (see? wasn’t that questionable?)
Jen: You think he’s shown it to you so you’re on the privileged list.
WHO ELSE is he showing it?
Maybe he’s showing it to everyone else!
Me: Hmm. good point
Abby (comes in yelling): WHAT is he showing you?!?!!
I wanna see too!!!
(note: no, it’s not what you think… It just sounds very scandalous =P)
1. Do not take a nap while cooking/baking
2. Do not surf the ‘net while cooking/baking. A 1 minute video will lead to 30 videos…
3. Do not write your blog while you are baking something in an oven you are using for the first time.
*runs off to check on pie*
And how do you think I know this… 😉
Williams Sonoma has clearly frustrated this poor guy…
His rage grows clearly throughout the article … and thankfully for us, it’s hilarious!
He has inspired my friend to be an Artisanal Meth artist…
On Trappist Monks Fruitcake: “Supply is limited. Apparently, the market for $40 Ozark fruitcake is ENORMOUS. White women from Bridgehampton ALL THE WAY to Westhampton rely on the monks to deliver their holiday fruitcake every year. Ina Garten’s ADORABLE HUSBAND JEFFREY WHO MAKES A LOT OF MONEY loves the sight of a fine white-trash-monk fruitcake any time he comes home.”
On a Waffle Batter Dispenser: “How about a spoon? How about you use a fucking spoon to dole out your waffle batter?”
On a Rustic Chicken Coop: “honestly, if you’re buying a goddamn chicken coop from a catalog, why NOT spring for the painted chicken? It was hand painted in an urban garden workshop, people. You CANNOT say you are a true farm-to-table household unless you have a coop to call your own.”
The Chocolate Sampler: “OH HOLY FUCK THAT SOUNDS GOOD. Look at the picture of all those items stacked on top of each other. I bet it took the food stylist four hours to get the caramel to drip just so. This catalog does nothing but give me pantry envy. All I have in my pantry is flour and gum. I don’t even HAVE a pantry. I have a cabinet. Rich people have pantries. Rich people have entire food closets lined with whammies and biscuits and emergency rimming sugar GOD I HATE RICH PEOPLE SO MUCH.”
Read Drew’s raging commentary on Williams Sonoma’s catalogue in it’s full entirety…