When the Guy I’ve loved chooses to be with another girl,
Naturally I’m searching for answers to make sense of it all.
What’s the best way to search for answers?
I googled combinations of “Why the guy chose another girl”
“Why did he disappear?”
“Why did he walked away?”
I read through 80, yes eighty, pages of search results needing to find the answers among blogs, magazine tips, news paper articles.
I needed comfort, I needed answers.
Why did he choose her? Why did he get disinterested in me?
Why didn’t he appreciate my genuine feelings for him?
Why didn’t he value me?
Why didn’t he recognize all the things we had in common?
Why, why, why, why, why, WHY????
Why her and not me?
Why, why, why, why, WHY?
Here are a couple of things I learned from reading over 80 pages of search results and a few hundred links. These rang true to me.
I know this makes sense and I need to knock this into my sense.
1. Obsessing is about looking for reasons to blame yourself and trying to reason out things that there aren’t necessarily answers for.
The fact that you’re asking Why he doesn’t want to be with you or Why he chose her says you still want him very badly even though he’s clearly expressed he doesn’t see the value in you or being with you.
Yes, it hurts. Ouch. OUCH.
We all know that continuing to ask why yields no answers.
Continuing to ask WHY just does more emotional damage to yourself because you keep putting him and those Why questions on replay.
You’re obsessing about him. You’re clinging on to the last shred of him when he’s walked away and is enjoying life on a beach with the girlfriend while you’re crying your eyes out and losing weight because you can’t eat. You want to continually mourn him, you don’t want to move on.
Often when we ask these questions, they are with regard to men who probably aren’t worthy of our time.
2. You are Wonderful. Him choosing some girl is about him, not You (or me).
It does not say anything about you or imply that you are not good enough.
He just wanted something else.
Do not take it as a judgment on yourself.
There is nothing wrong with you other than your misinterpretation of the facts.
You’re Pink and he preferred Green. Pink is not better than Green.
Pink is just different from Green. That’s simply it.
If the one you love doesn’t want you, and by implication doesn’t value you, this is your wake-up call, albeit a painful one. You don’t want him or her either. You don’t want to invest any more time or thought or energy in this person.
When you love and admire someone so much, it may seem impossible to let go of.
But you must want to let go (instead of cling on to his memory) and you will move on
If you consciously choose to change your focus.
3. Stop Blaming Yourself
When I first heard the news that he’d gotten into a relationship, I started to look back at all the things I did wrong.
I cried miserably in the shower convinced I, myself, had singlehandedly ruined a long await chance at a relationship and being happy with someone who had so much in common.
I replayed the things I screwed up: Why didn’t I move in closer when we were walking by the river?
I should have made it clearer I liked him.
I shouldn’t have been so cautious about liking him. (well, look how well loving him has worked out…)
I should have been more spontaneous about saying “Let’s do this on saturday!” instead of waiting for him to suggest it.
I should have worn few accessories, the piles of bangles which were all the rage was probably too much
The truth is this.
And often times, the truth hurts A LOT more than the generalized comforting phrases we use.
The Truth is if he liked me enough, appreciated and valued me, he would have stayed.
He wouldn’t have walked off and lost interest — no matter how many bangles I had on my arm.
4. I’ll won’t find someone so compatible and amazing as him…
When the feelings are not mutual between you and another, examine how you put yourself in this unequal place.
Do you think that you’ll never find anyone else? (Guilty for now, Yes. I think it’ll be decades before I meet someone with so much in common in interests and background. Sigh)
Do you fantasize that if only he or she would love you, you would be happy the rest of your life?
(Guilty, Yes I can see all the things we could enjoy doing together, walks in the parks, concerts, traveling the world. Ah, Sigh. If Only….)
You are longing for someone who seems to have more going for them than you do, perhaps you need to look at what you should be doing to have a better, more interesting, more fulfilling life.
It could be that the loss you feel is the life you wanted to have by vicariously living beside and through someone else.
The saddest part to these one-way love obsessions is how willing people are to accept so little in return. It isn’t the beloved who is treating you badly— YOU are doing yourself an injustice and hurting yourself more by hanging around and moping after someone who isn’t available and doesn’t care enough about you.
“Having a crush on someone is like putting your heart in a Ziploc bag and checking it at the airport luggage counter. There is a chance it will make the trip and come out unscathed, but there is a much greater chance that it will be bruised in some way.
We can all take great comfort in knowing that everything passes. Since there are no exceptions-none–it means that if you are sad, you won’t always be sad. If you fail, you’ll bounce back. If someone hurt you, that feeling will change. If you lose a love, there will be another. Indeed, there is something very reassuring in knowing that, whatever it is, however hard it seems, it too will pass.”
Understand there is no rhyme or reason to why men disappear or lose interest. No matter how much you discuss the situation with your friends, trying to figure out where things went wrong, it will all be speculations and you won’t get the answer of why he acted the way he did. In fact, it might have to do more with him than you. Maybe he got spooked at the thought of your relationship progressing to a more serious level, or perhaps he wasn’t as interested in you as he lead on and didn’t want to admit it face to face. The truth is, you’ll never know for certain why a man acts the way he does unless you hear it from him…and he probably isn’t coming back to tell you.
which is completely true because I haven’t heard from him…
I went through hundreds of links over the weekend, my emotional state matching the most gravity defying roller coasters.
On Sunday night I was exhausted from all the reading, trying to make sense of it all, trying to find comfort.
Perhaps all these combined words of wisdom and reality did sink in a little.
As I was going to sleep on Sunday night, instead of crying myself to sleep, I felt this sense of strength that I would be alright and I could rid him out of my mind.
Right now, I can’t let him linger at all because I like him too much.
If I even let him hang around, I won’t be able to get on with my life.
I hope the pain I’m going through will relieve everyone else of unrequited love and heartache.
If you’re going through the same, I’m here to offer you my hugs and love.
Drop me a note , there’s nothing like knowing you’re not alone.
So as much as it hurts this is what I’m doing and what I suggest you do if you’re going through heartbreak.
1. Don’t contact him. At All.
2. Don’t go to places you know you might run into him. At this point I’m not over him yet and I’m not stable enough to run into him, much less run into him and his girlfriend. I’ve no idea if I’ll feel shattered again and have to re-start my recovery. I don’t know if I can put up a brave front and say hi and smile. At this point, I don’t have the strength to. So I don’t want to see him.
3. Accept the finality of his decision. He’s made a choice, he’s gone. Treat it as he’s out of your life.
4. Lean on friends and whenever you feel down or need company, call or go out with a good friend who will support you
5. Do things that interest you and make you happy. Take a new class. If painting made you happy, go back and do that. If Yoga helps you relieve your stress do it. Look after yourself and make yourself Happy in a healthy way
With that, I hope this finds you all happy and healthy
Leave me a message to share your story, a huge or word or comfort.
Related stories and links I read as part of the 80 pages of search results:
It was meant to a relaxing, laid back afternoon,
enjoying coffee and sinful chocolate cake with a friend.
I walked into the tiny cafe looking for some seats.
Walking along the long wooden table, I felt punched by the walls and probably froze for a few seconds.
Right in front, I saw the guy I was crazy about.
With a girl.
and his arms around her.
I was completely caught off guard. I was not prepared to meet him.
I hadn’t heard from him in awhile and I had guessed he had met someone.
But there’s nothing like being smashed in the face with the visual of the guy you’ve been liking for over a year standing with his girlfriend.
His arms around her when you want it to be you his arms are around.
I turned around and walked out of the cafe slowly, hoping no one, including him, would notice.
Wishing I could fade into the walls, sink into the wooden floor boards and disappear.
Wishing I never walked into that cafe to see him with his new girlfriend.
Once out the door, I walked in a daze towards the small garden patch next to the cafe.
The friend I was meeting was walking to the cafe and I had to quickly revert to my smiley disposition.
A friend confirmed my sighting when she heard I’d seen him
“Oh yes! he’s got a girlfriend! It’s pretty new!”
I kept very silent and put on a poker face the entire time.
For the first few hours, I must have still been in shock and I didn’t feel much.
As the hours have worn on, the questions have surfaced and are playing on repeat in my mind.
The hurt and pain is surfacing. I’ve cried a few times.
As I cried in the shower, I yelled at myself silently: I blame myself partly.
I just screwed up a possible shot at a relationship with someone who has a lot in common.
If I wasn’t so cautious when I first met him and I showed my interest more clearly, it could be me by his side now.
Now I’ve lost a chance to find out if we are compatible, if we can have a life together.
And I’m reeling in the pain and hurt that he chose someone else over me.
I just wanted us to share our common interests together, learn about other areas together and each other’s perspective, enjoy the simple things in life of reading together on a sofa, admire the view from the mountain, savor the fragrant tea.
He is the only one I’ve met who I’ve wanted to cook for and recreate his favorite childhood dish he misses. I would have experimented countless times to recreate the dish for him since the family recipe has been lost.
I admire him and love his creativity, his understated, quiet sense of humor, his brilliance.
I like him for who he is — not what he’s achieved or what he offers me.
I like him for him.
I’d so wish we could have pursued our interests together, side by side.
I wanted to edge him on and support him and encourage him to embark on his long time dream.
I wanted to have a shot at finding out if we were compatible together,
if we could have a life together.
I believe we could.
I just wanted for us to enjoy the things we had in common and incorporate the differences,
to cheer him on in his efforts, support him when things were down,
stand on his side always, love and laugh together,
make him happy, and be happy together.
Where we both feel our lives are better because we are together:
The bad days are more bearable because we have enough other,
The joys in life are more joyous because we celebrate together.
If he fell sick, I’d look after him and stay with him to lift his spirits.
I just wanted to share our life, have a fuller life, and be happier together because we had each other.
My love is sincere and genuine and that’s all I want.
I don’t know why he lost interest. Was it something I said or did?
I don’t know why he doesn’t appreciate my sincerity and everything I have to offer.
Honestly, how many people would love you for you and not because you have something to offer them?
But he chose someone else.
I’m crushed I have to admit. Completely crushed.
I shouldn’t be taking it this hard.
After all it was just a guy I had been going out with that didn’t work.
I shouldn’t be in tears or feeling this piercing pain throughout my body.
But the pain is there and it hurts like hell.
I need it to go away and I can’t bear living with this pain.
I don’t know why and what went wrong and I know I won’t get any answers.
I have a lot of love and affection for him.
I swear there was chemistry between us and there’s an attraction.
I wish we had a shot at life together.
For now, I need this pain to go away and accept I’ve lost a shot with someone I care deeply for.
I hate being collateral damage but this is life.
In life, sometimes you end up with a losing streak.
Until things improve….
Please share how you got through the pain and hurt when a person you loved chose to be with someone else.
We’ve been waiting for it
It was bound to happen…
Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher are engaged!!!
And of course, let’s see Mila Kunis’ engagement ring…
She’s been spotted wearing her ring over the last 12 hours.
The engagement ring has a classic setting that is simple and elegant.
The design features a (very) large oval diamond and a simple platinum band.
The oval diamond is easily over 8 carats and probably 10 – 12 carats.
Wearing Her New Engagement Ring from Ashton Kutcher!
Mila Kunis – Sparkling Engagement Ring – Front View!
And now for the Close Ups of the Engagement Ring spotted on Mila Kunis!
Mila Kunis Classic Engagement Ring Close Up
Close Up of Mila Kunis’ Oval Diamond Classic Setting Engagement Ring
Side View of Mila Kunis Engagement Ring
Her classic ring is similar to this…
Her band is flatter and thinner and may have some diamonds on it.
An engagement ring similar to Mila Kunis
Expect the wedding to be soon! They are eager to wed and have kids together.
Now that Ashton Kutcher’s divorce from Demi Moore is finalized, Ashton and Mila can speed up wedding plans!
They moved in together almost a year ago, in February 2013 and have been happily living together in Hollywood Hills. Their $10.8 million home is over 9,000 sq ft with an amazing view
Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher’s Gorgeous Home with a Breathtaking View
Congrats to the young lovely couple!
We can’t wait for more pictures of Mila Kunis’ engagement ring and details on the wedding!
Stressed, Frustrated, and Overwhelmed
Excitement to anxiety to Overwhelmed
I’ve been trying to finalize a project agreement.
At this point, I’m frustrated at the new tricks one person in the process keeps throwing into the mix.
I’m tired out and I really do not want to keep discussing new conditions the person throws in.
I’m stressed every time I get a new revision
Fear sets in with the thought ” Uh Oh, i wonder what he’s put into the document this time…”
Which leads to dread
Opening the document is like being fed on by a Vampire you see at the corner of a deserted alley late at night but you walk towards him anyway…
I opened the document and scrolled through.
I felt instantly drained of all my energy. Bitten by the Vampire.
I just want this to be done and to agree and finalize the terms so everyone can get to the work.
Is that so difficult?
Once you agree on something. Stick to it and don’t keep adding new terms.
It drags things on needlessly and makes you look bad & lack credibility.
Now I’m working up the energy to look through the document and catch the new clauses and address them with the people involved.
Wish me luck and goodness. I need it!
I previously posted about how there’s something good in every day.
Especially when it’s one of those bad days,
it’s all the more important to find just 1 good thing to be thankful for.
I like to remind myself of this
Especially on a rough day. Look for the good and smile.
You will get through it!
I’ve been stressed recently as I mentioned because of a project I’m discussing about.
Since I wrote that post, I’ve been walking around for the past few days with this immense pressure and stress over my head because of the absurdly high demands placed on the project.
The requirements are so crazy high, it feels unreasonable.
It’s one of those situations I hate. I feel people are putting up an absurdly high bar that can’t be reached.
I decided to reach out to 2 friends about it.
And they both took the time to talk to me about it, think about it and offer their thoughts, philosophy & perspective.
The underlying issue still exists, but on these days, boy
I’m sure SO THANKFUL for my friends who will take the time and effort from their day to talk to me and comfort me.
This is when you know you have good friends. I’m so thankful for them. ❤
So that’s my 1 good thing I’m thankful for.
In the meanwhile, I need to work on handling the pressure and stress so it doesn’t affect me this much.
Not easy but I’m working on it.
This is what my friend told me & I’ll try to keep it in mind
— Eat the anxiety & worry, don’t let it eat me. Run after it and tell it to go away
How’s your day going? What’s your 1 good thing today?
Good Friends Make Life Brighter!
Every time I think I’m to write a quick short post, it never turns out that way.
I’m not sure if I should post this.
See, I started this blog as a place for humorous, fun, and good content.
Not to talk about what I’m worrying about or how I feel.
But more and more, I feel the draw to post when I’m feeling down, upset, or nervous.
I’ve mixed feelings about this as this isn’t what I want the blog to be about
While it gives you readers an understanding of what I’m facing and adds to authenticity, I’m not sure how much you all want to read about this and I don’t want to bore or annoy people.
I’m pretty affected so I’m just going to post about this. (and make it short and sweet)
There’s something that’s going on that’s making me nervous and anxious.
I’m nervous about how things will turn out and worried if the other person will take my suggestions or insist on theirs.
I hope they will be as generous as possible and they will be understanding of me and my situation.
But there is always the possibility people will strong arm their way through and have a “Take it or Leave it” attitude.
I know worrying about how someone is going to react and feel doesn’t solve or improve a situation.
But it still impacts me and makes me anxious and nervous because this is important to me.
I have a lot of other things to get done in the meanwhile but I’m finding it hard to focus and there’s this knot in my stomach.
I’m feeling little colorful jumping jelly beans inside me.
I promised you it would be short AND SWEET =) Jelly Beans are Sweet.
The most positive way I can describe this is I’m feeling a knot in my stomach and am nervous. Maybe there are jelly beans jumping inside me…
What do you do and how do you cope when you are nervous or anxious?
I tried pressing into 2 pressure points on my hand
(left edge of the wrist & flesh between the thumb and second finger)
but they are not helping to reduce my anxiety about the situation.
I’m going to write a letter to the person I’m speaking to about the situation and see if that will help.
Send me any advice & good wishes that the situation will turn out well for me!
Tell me how you feel about these types of post.
If the feedback is “Stop posting how you feel, no one cares!”, I won’t post such topics.
Just let me know =)
Thanks a million! ❤
I’ve been nervous for the past few hours.
I don’t know if it’s because it’s 9/11 and thus sub-consciously, I’m more alert, anxious, nervous.
Who can forget the day. It’s clear as day in my mind.
I don’t want to see any movies about it.
So maybe it’s because I’m a little more on edge.
Today, like most of my days, everything takes way too long to get done.
Or maybe I’m just inefficient or a worry wort and worry my tasks to the ground.
(Unfortunately you can’t worry tasks or anything away. If that were the case, worrying would actually be productive!)
I needed to tell someone they reversed the scheduling on one of my jobs.
I’ve been putting off emailing them as I’m afraid how they will react.
I keep worrying the Operations Admin woman might get all irritated and upset with me and blame it on me when I’ve in fact told her about this scheduling mix up 2 months ago.
In psychology, they call this Fatalistic Thinking.
Thinking the worse of a situation and snowballing the situation in your head.
So many hours later, after much worry and angst, I emailed both the Operations Admin and my colleague informing them of the mix up and for my colleague to confirm she can work on the day we discussed.
I’ve been agonizing about it.
I finally dug up the courage to check my email.
My colleague replied she could work that day as I had discussed with her.
I had a sigh of relief when I saw that and my stress levels went down.
I haven’t heard back from the Operations Admin but I feel this will limit any angry yelling from her since the schedule is all sorted out.
It wasn’t as bad as I thought!
The moral of the story: Thinking the worst of a situation only stresses yourself up for nothing. Don’t over-worry about the other person’s reaction,
especially if it’s something you’ve taken care of previously.
We often think the worse of a situation, when it usually turns out fine with much less drama than we imagine!
Now I need all of you to remind me weekly of this very good piece of advice
Let’s worry less & enjoy the moments more!
Depending on where you are in the world, you’re either starting or wrapping up the weekend.
Bewitched, Bothered & Bewildered, you may be
Exhausted, Defeated & Irrate am I
Yeah that would describe my state pretty accurately.
I’m feeling very tired because I have been sleeping poorly the last few days.
When I’m tired, as much as I try to be patient, I’m not the most tolerant.
Consecutive days of tiredness means increasing impatience.
Yeah. Not pretty.
I’m tired and feeling I’m constantly not doing enough.
The list of To Dos grows faster than I can clear them because I’m so damn slow at getting things done.
I don’t mean errands (though they take up a lot of time) like washing the dishes or laundry.
I mean To Dos that are related to my work and income.
It has a direct hit because the slower I am, the fewer projects I get and the less I earn.
I can’t tell you why it takes me so long to get things done. I wish I could explain it but it just does.
It’s frustrating and defeating.
I was planning to clear a large chunk of my To Do List today.
Instead, I ended up having to do multiple errands that took alot of time.
When I finally got home, I was planning to sit down and check off the To Do List.
Nope, no such luck.
I just spent an hour on the phone trying to make some changes to my bank account.
It was incredibly frustrating trying to get the customer service rep to help me and then being directed to the self-service prompts which STILL did NOT work.
It finally worked an HOUR later. By then, I was all irritated and huffing.
Add to that, I’m trying to set up my Triberr account but it’s not cooperating and doesn’t seem to work well with Firefox. =(. More Upsetting.
There are so many posts I’m half way writing/editing.
I’m frustrated I don’t get to update this as much I would like.
How do people do this?? Plenty of people manage to write often and daily even with a job.
HOW am I NOT able to do it too?
Being tired, sleep deprived, are all good ingredients to accentuate one’s feeling of being defeated and hopelessness (How am I EVER going to get all this done?!?!).
Right now I feel I’m hopping after a high speed train and falling terribly behind at the risk of being run over by the next train.
I have no confidence I can actually clear the To Do List anytime soon.
I’ve tried to clear it for 3 weeks. And I’m STILL trying to clear it.
I was hoping to clear half the list today because I have an early start tomorrow and at least half the day if not the full day will be occupied. I have only got ONE measly thing done. SIGH
Sometimes, your feelings lie.
In this case, I know rationally, I’m feeling worse than I should be because I’m exhausted and sleep deprived.
The other part is the fact remains that I’m incredibly slow at completing what I need to do.
I need to find a way to speed up. I don’t know how yet. I don’t have brilliant insights as yet.
If you have stories, encouragement, and tips, I’d love to hear them!
Wherever you are, grab the last of the weekend and I hope you’re enjoying much more than I am.
In fact, go enjoy it and post me a picture or comment on what you’re doing =)