Gosh. How did we get to February so fast?It’s been a blur.
The project I’m working on has close to completely taken over my life and the past month.
It’s been long days, over 12 hours every day.
I know there is value in taking home a paycheck in itself
The weekends pass in a short dash and the special, prized weekend time seems to evaporate quickly without anything notable to speak of.
Sunday arrives and I feel down.
Today is one of those days I’m down and depressed.
Life can be hard enough just getting through and surviving.
The problem multiplies because I want meaning in my life,
because I have a passion,
and I want to do what I’m passionate about.
This makes life exponentially harder.
It’s hard enough finding a job to earn a decent paycheck to pay the bills,
getting through each day to just get to the weekend.
I look forward to the weekend and it whizzes by.
When you add MORE demands on your life and yourself,
including BIG ones such as
wanting your life to have purpose
and doing what you love in addition to paying the bills,
it adds more demands and stress on your life,
on my life, because I’m trying to do more with the same amount of time and there are some times I just can’t do both.
This depression set in last night when I was in bed thinking, my work has no meaning,
it doesn’t make a difference — it doesn’t make me fulfilled,
and it’s not making a difference to the world.
The only purpose it serves is the paycheck I get in exchange for spending my hours and life doing something I see as meaningless.
I’m willing to say I may be wrong and it may benefit the world in some way — I just don’t recognize it now.
Yet what would make a difference to me is something that is sufficient for me to live on.
The work I love and am passionate about, Unfortunately, doesn’t even cover my necessities.
I could work on it for hours and I feel fulfilled and happy.
Secondly, because I want to make a difference with my life, I do want to spend more time every month volunteering.
I’m in transition and I’m already having difficulty coping with this job and project so to add another demand on my time, of a monthly or biweekly volunteer activity creates further stress on me and my schedule.
I feel trapped in a state of unhappiness where I know I need to earn an income to pay the bills but doing so means I can’t do the work I love. So I’m just getting through each day, earning enough to pay the bills so I can continue for another day but devoid of the passion and joy that comes with doing what I love.
It feels like life on life support. Passing each day alive but not living life.
I don’t have a solution which makes me even more upset.
I can’t see the purpose or point of living this way.
This is when passion kills. When you know what you love but you can’t do it and it makes you miserable.
Often times, I wish I was like all these people — happy to get through life, content to have a job and earn a paycheck and accept that as life.
Not to have a passion or seek meaning in life.
Less pressure on yourself, on your time, on your life.
What do I do with the feelings of passion and desire to achieve purpose and meaning with my life?
Did you find a way to balance your job and what you love?