Brilliant Wittyness, Food, Inspirations & Reflections, Musings

Failed Diet, Carb Withdrawal and Why I Won’t Try Coke (the white kind…)

While I’ve been very silent (i.e., more silent than just silent), I’ve gotten A LOT of insights…
I have 2 weddings this week and I wanted to look my best in my slinky dress.
This started the 3 week goal of going to the gym twice a week (I’ve been once. where I felt faint after 30 mins)
And the no carb diet which I’ve failed miserably at – it went down faster than the speed of light.

But let me share my insights….

First, I got a glimpse of what it must be like to be a POW or innocent villager trapped in a jungle to avoid being tortured by invading troops and living without much food.

Hunger, although a self imposed state for me, makes you jittery, restless, and gives you terrible nightmares.
I cannot imagine what cocaine withdrawal must be like because Carb withdrawal is bad. Really bad.

Carbs were all I could think of – a huge plate of pasta constantly projected in the cinematic screen of my mind.

Batali Bolognese

Mario Batali makes my fav pasta. This is his Bolognese. It got me at hello

The pasta dishes flashed like a slide show: classic spaghetti bolognese with homemade tomato sauce stewed for hours finished with fresh basil and grated mozzarella cheese,
next: smooth carbonara fettucini weave with stir fried brown onions, sweet peas, sliced mushrooms and generous, crispy bacon
next: meaty mac & cheese baked in triple cheese and white wine with chicken and mushrooms and the perfect browned melted cheese top

You get the idea…

This entire slide show looped in my head while I curled up in a chair like an addict without carbs.

I couldn’t concentrate, went from computer to kitchen to fix tea, took a shower, back to the laptop, pacing the floor…

I was a complete grouch; I grunted, I snapped. I tried to the show the fangs which I did not have to get people to stop talking to me because it was all noise in my head. Unnecessary noise that I did not need!

I got headaches, I spent afternoons on the couch my head hurting from the torture of the carb slideshow, from being underfed.

and then, after putting myself through this for 3/4 of the day, I’d decide: This is TOO MUCH TO BEAR!!!
I’d locate the nearest plate of spaghetti and promptly gorge it all down with a satisfied glee like a Cheshire cat and curl up on the chair with total delight.

Till the guilt set in. I’d freak out at all the carbs I was NOT suppose to eat. I’d feel like a total failure: out of control and unable to do something as simple as abstain from carbs. WHAT kind of person can’t even abstain from carbs?!?! AND can’t get to the gym twice a week for just 3 weeks?!?!
Well, Me, of course. (and maybe you? tell me I’m not alone….)

So if this was what carb withdrawal felt like, I have no idea how bad cocaine withdrawal must be. It must feel like the world is ending. (Incidentally, while the Mayans predicted the end in a few days, I think it’s a total mistake. In the meanwhile, for good measure, please go out and eat more of the food you like. Just in case the world does end. Which I’m sure is totally false and a conspiracy rumor created by Duracell and canned food companies)

So on that note, I will not be trying coke anytime cos it would suck to go through coke withdrawal.
And we all know, all good things must come to an end: the coke supply will eventually run out.
Either because your dealer gets shot, you get arrested, or you simply run out of  cash.
Drinking champagne is a safer habit, less expensive, less painful and far more glamorous.
That’s my advice if you’re thinking of trying coke.

Back to the diet, the original point in case we’ve all forgotten.
Yesterday, I decided I was actually going to have NO CARBS dammit!
It was good – until someone innocently put a box of freshly baked cookies in front of me.
That was the end of no carbs. (yes cookies count as carbs….)
I stuffed my face with half a box of cookies…
In my friend’s defense, he did not know I was on a no carb diet.

Today, I woke up and told myself “TODAY WILL be carb free!!”
I went many tads too far and pretty much didn’t eat anything from the time I woke up.
I felt faint.
I was busy running errands and finally had a break for food and got a bowl of soup.
After soup, I felt better.
Insight: starving yourself can make you feel faint. #obvious insights
Huh. Who knew!!

My proud moment today? I walked past caramel popcorn…
I flipped through the manual of No Carbs diet to find an exclusion clause for caramel popcorn.
No such exclusion. Damn.
I walked away from caramel popcorn like a demure young lady.
I’m so proud of myself. Just imagine the thing I do everyday if I’m proud of this small act….

So, that’s my unsuccessful diet and carb withdrawal experience.
The last wedding is on Friday. I’m hoping to wear a bandage dress. I’m not sure how that will go…
Let’s see if I manage to go carb free for the next few days.
but OMG, I’m totally devouring a plate of pasta after Friday…



  1. Pingback: The No Carb Diet Update… « SparkaliciousWit - December 18, 2012

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